I recently returned from Transformers 3 with Ethan after a long day of blunders and triumphs.
I was very excited to get internet installed in my apartment today. I was under the impression that someone from Time Warner would do the install between 8 and 12 in the morning, so I woke up bright and early at 8:15. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. I was supposed to hang out with Ashley, but she didn’t pick up when I called, so I figured she was busy with something else. I got annoyed that the internet guy wasn’t coming, so I tried to call support. The robot lady on support told me that my installation had been cancelled. Cancelled?! By whom? Why didn’t anyone tell me? So, naturally, I tried to talk to a human on the phone. Now things get a little strange. Every time I’m put on hold for a representative, I’m interrupted by a phone call. Who is it? It’s me. Yeah, my own phone calls me. Not only that, but I ignore the incoming call from myself, and am somehow automatically transferred to my own voicemail. This happens three times, sometimes where I press “ignore” to myself, and sometimes when I just ignore myself. I then give up on the telephone. I know! I’ll steal my nO0b neighbor’s slow wifi and try to email Time Warner support. I find a support chat system, and I talk to two different support agents. The first asks me for my account number. I don’t have an account number, I just have an order confirmation number, since I hadn’t set up my account yet. I give her other information and she tells me there is no account on record. Duh. I know this. I just have a confirmation number. Anyway, she transfers me to sales. The guy tries to sell me stuff, but I just say, “hey I have an order already.” The guy tells me that my apartment complex has a bulk deal with Time Warner, so I have to physically go to the office and show them my rent agreement. I remember Tanglewood telling me that for cable I had to go through the apartment office, but I had to set up internet myself. This was apparently not clear enough, since I did set it up myself and subsequently had my order cancelled. Anyway, I begrudgingly accept this news, and the guy asks me if I want an address to go to in order to set up my service. I say “sure,” and he gives me an address. Ethan comes over at this point, and like the great friend he is, he offers to drive my sorry ass around on an epic quest to connect to the internet before it’s too late! and by too late, I mean 6 PM, since that’s when the place closes. So, we get to the address with plenty of time. It’s a bank. That’s right. The guy sent me to a bank. That’s apparently where people pay their cable bills, not where they set up service. Snicklefritz! It’s not 5:30, and the main TW headquarters in Lincoln is all the way across town diagonally. We jet down O street, ambition in our hearts. We jet down 13th street….well, not really. You see, there’s a slow-ass Toyota that waits five seconds at each green light as if it’s a stop sign. We find the TW headquarters, and I rush in before they close. I have to slide under a giant granite wall that’s crashing down to the ground. I almost lose my hat as I slide, but I am able to reach back and snag it just before thousands of pounds of rock smash my arm. Within minutes, I’m talking to a nice lady from TW. After the days’ events, I have half a mind to be really bitchy and demand something or another or threaten to sue TW and their employees and the children of their employees and take the first-born son of each TW employee as a sacrifice to the internet gods. But, she was so nice and helpful that all I could say was “thank you very much!” You see, she gave me the hookup. I was set up in under a minute, and then she asked, “do you want to just take the equipment and set it all up yourself?” Bingo. That’s what I wanted to hear. I thought I’d have to wait another week for an installation guy to come in and plug a modem into the wall before taking a $20 installation fee from me. But no. Not only that, but she told me that my 15 Mbps line would be only $30 a month for 5 months before raising up to the $40 price that I had seen on the internet. Sweet! Thank you, oh so gracious TW lady! I return home triumphantly with modem in hand. In fact, the previous day Ashley helped me pick out a router for this very occasion. So not only was I set for internet, but wireless internet! I had my wireless network up and running in about 5 minutes. Speed test puts my speed at well over 20 Mbps with a 40 ms ping. Beastly. So, I immediately downloaded rather large updates for my computer and phone, and listened to Ethan opine about the glories of Battlefield (a video game series he really likes) for what seemed like hours.
So, may you spread the epic tale of Chuck and the internet Hydra to your loved ones. You’re welcome.